This summer I had lunch with Christine Caine, an author, speaker, anti-human trafficking activist, and founder of propelwomen.org. We’d never met before – a co-worker suggested the lunch. She thought Christine and I would have some things in common since we both are interested in helping women figure out their voice and what/how their gifts can be plugged into this world.

Yep, Christine’s a bundle of energy. She admits her words come fast and furious. I liked that – get to it girl!  It didn’t take long for her to admit she thinks American Christians could be a lot more aware about global Christians (read: we are noticeably provincial). She said she has been surprised at how Propel took off in America. She was amazed at how many women want to be nurtured to serve God and humanity with their full range of capacities, and have signed up to be mentored by Propel’s many resources. She cited the tension of being a prophetic voice, and staying true to the orthodoxy so important to American Christians when she preaches.

But while we talked and ate up our lunch – fast, of course – I began to get a bit sour inside. And not from the salad, and not from Christine. The sourness came from listening to the words coming out of my mouth about my passion for moving women and American Christians forward. Because mostly I sounded irritated and ready to point out all the faultiness of American evangelicals. It was like I was projecting the oldie, “Hey There Delilah,” not the current hit, “Despacito.” My opinions surprised me, sounding like that decade old hit from the Plain White T’s. So ten years ago.

So Christine Caine up and flew out of there, running late for her next appointment, and I was left with my take-home box of salad, and a feeling that I was so very tired of being against stuff, and I was wondering what I was for. I get it. My DiSC, MBTI, and StrengthsFinder all concur that I am a critique-r. I have accepted what others have told me about me, that I’m often that prophetic voice in the conversation. And who has ever really liked a doomsday prophet? And yet, I genuinely want to own some new lyrics to a new song. One that sings, “Here is what I am for….”

So it’s not that I am not against anything anymore. No worries there, folks ☺. For example, I still believe institutionalized evangelicalism eventually made God about disdaining us vs. being for us. I’m disappointed that Protestantism stole the mystery of God, which I am really working hard at taking back for myself. I also don’t believe in complementarianism, which generally cuts women out of being the other half of “we are made in God’s image.” And, I believe that anytime you find fundamentalism, look out, there’s going to be trouble (read: oppression, wars, abuse).

Now it wasn’t like I was saying any of that above paragraph to Christine. It’s just that my general tendency to know very well what I am against, or “what’s wrong,” seemed to taste unpleasant as I was describing my vision for women and American faith to her. It was all so...the yesterday me.

So the next time I have lunch with Christine Caine, which I am pretty sure will be never, I want to have figured out what I am for. And I’m glad that lunch won’t be coming anytime soon, because I already know that sensing, writing and then learning my new song will happen despacito.

Slowly.